Sarah Palin's Stand-up Routine

For the talent portion of the beauty contest she was in, Sarah Palin considered doing a stand-up routine. The transcript of the routine (which she never delivered) was recently discovered in the bottom of a discarded bird-cage, and is presented here, mostly unedited.

Hiya, everyone!

I just flew in from Wasilla . . . boy are my arms tired . . .

Things happen in Alaska, crazy things that you wouldn't see anywhere else. Just the other day, I shot a moose in my bikini; what it was doing in my bikini I don't know.

And the people in Alaska, wow, they are something else! Take my husband . . . Please!

My husband and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

The other day he was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

I'll tell ya, my husband and I, we don't think alike. I donate money to the homeless, and he donates money to the topless!

During sex my husband always wants to talk to me. Just the other night he called me from a hotel.

The other day my husband met me at the front door. I was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, I was coming home.

We have fun here in Alaska, though; we have fun in our small towns. We have horse racing. I was at the track last week, and I bet on a great horse! It took seven horses to beat him. The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

And my family! Let me tell you about my family. I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

My brother told me his car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and he told me it was in the lake.

And my sister! She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

And my mother; she could tell that her parents hated her. Her bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One day, she met the surgeon general. He offered her a cigarette.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

Thank you very much, you've been a great audience.